Death Isn't So Sweet
by Pinkster Lily
Summary: I could have never known that Edward Cullen would kill me that day. It was like getting hit by a car or an airplane crashing. But what I didn't expect was to still be around after my death, and with Edward ignoring me no less.
1. Dead

_This idea has been bugging me for a long time. I only now got around to writing it. Please tell me what you think._

_**Summery**__: I could have never known that Edward Cullen would kill me that day. It was like getting hit by a car or an airplane crashing. But what I didn't expect was to still be around after my death, and with Edward ignoring me no less._

Death Isn't So Sweet

By: Vixen Hood

Chapter One:

Dead

There was absolutely no way I could have known that Edward Cullen would kill me that day in Biology. No way that I could have known that each time I moved, each time I ran my hand through my hair in frustration, that I tempted him with my blood. I just couldn't have known. I felt bad for Mike and Angela, who had to die along with me that fateful day, all because of me. Edward Cullen had single-handedly slaughtered the whole class except me at exactly 1:37 pm, five minutes after I entered the class. Three minutes after it started. And then as I looked into his eyes, pitch black as they were, I did not feel scared for some illogical reason because I knew then that he could not have helped it.

I felt a flicker of remorse that I would never get to know Charlie, that I would be leaving him alone forever, and that Renee would never get to see her daughter again. But it was not Edward that killed me that day. Sure, it was technically him, but it was not he that was controlling his actions, but a monster inside of him.

So Edward Cullen killing me that day was as unpredictable as a plane crashing mid-flight or a drunk driver blindsiding you. And it was all because of the paper cut that I got when I sliced my finger open with my page of notes from Mr. Banner's lecture.


	2. Evil Truimphed That Day

Chapter Two:

Evil Triumphed That Day

You know, it is a very strange feeling to have your blood sucked out of your body. First, there is the sensation of something like a needle only bigger injecting you with a substance that once it gets into your blood stream, you are paralyzed with the pain. Then, is the feeling of that same substance spreading throughout your system while at the same time the pair of teeth that injected you with the substance is mauling your neck to get the blood to come out. And then you can feel it as the blood rushes out through your veins and arteries to your neck, your fingers and toes start to go numb as the blood is draining from them, and a feeling of lightheadedness comes over you as the red liquid leaves the capillaries in your brain and goes into the mouth of the vampire attached to your neck.

In my case, that vampire was named Edward Cullen, who was taking my life force pint by pint. Even in his craze for my blood, he looked dashing. His bronze hair askew and his eyes flashing with the want and lust for blood. No more than that. The _need_ for it as it went down his throat and he could not stop as he lifted me from the ground and held me in his icy arms, pressed to his chest in his quest for the red life-giving fluid in my body.

I could see his eyes going crimson, and his skin starting to flush as he took more and more from me, could see the need to stop drinking verses the need to have every last drop of blood. It was a battle of epic proportions, between the Monster Edward and the Good Edward. And I could tell right away that it would not be the Good Edward that triumphed, but the Monster Edward, the Evil Edward that lusted for my blood like it was water in a barren desert.

And throughout this ordeal in which I hovered somewhere in between life and death, getting closer and closer to the place of no return, I could see the Good Edward's remorse for what he was doing, and his anger that he was too weak to stop himself from committing the ultimate crime (in his eyes). I felt such sorrow for him then, such agony that was not related to the fire that was burning in my veins, but to his suffering, the suffering that I had unknowingly caused by coming to Forks, Washington. I could not be angry at him for what he was doing to me, not after seeing his shame and self contempt. I felt sorry for him, and I knew as he met my eyes one last time that he knew this, and hated me in turn for forgiving him for what he had done. And with my last breath and last beat of my heart, I told him two words. I knew that these words would haunt him, but I had the need to say them, the need to let him know that I did not despise him for killing me, because I knew that if I did not say them, he would only hate himself more.

"I'm sorry," I muttered to him before my heart gave out forever. And a strange thing happened then, so completely odd that I did not believe it at first. I stayed put as he dropped my body in horror, and I watched as my head lolled on the ground and my eyes closed. I watched from above like a third party. I had not gone with my body in death; I had stayed somehow, miraculously, and watched as Edward turned to see his siblings Alice and Jasper standing in the doorway, watching my body as it fell to the floor.

A look of disappointment was on their faces, and Jasper seemed to hold some sympathy for him as Alice went about, grabbing jars of chemicals from the storeroom in back and broke them open on top of the dead and lifeless bodies of my once fellow classmates. Not a word was spoken as Alice then took out a pack of matches from a drawer in Mr. Banner's desk and set fire to it, watching as the flames began to grow and tossed the rest of the unused matches into the blaze. She stood upon one of the student's desks, Mike's I think, and pulled the smoke detector out of the ceiling easily and threw it to the ground.

Then she hurried Edward and Jasper out of the classroom so that it could burn, and I saw Edward give the fire a longing gaze, as if he wished to jump into it. Words suddenly sprang to my lips as he looked at that fire. "Don't do anything stupid," I told him, thinking that he would not be able to hear me. But his eyes connected with mine before Jasper dragged him out of the room.

I stayed where I was, hanging over my body as the flames spread throughout the room, consuming my new friends and people I had never seen before. I felt that someone had to do it, had to watch this, and I was a prime candidate, somehow suspended in space and time, unharmed as the bright orange flames passed through me and I heard the roaring sirens of a fire truck and ambulance. While I stood there, watching as the firefighters struggled to put out the blaze of heat, I thought about what would happen to Charlie and was forced to come to terms with three things that I had been resentful about and trying to avoid thinking about.

1. Charlie really did love me, and I could see this as he stood off to the side and watched in horror as he realized that I had been in this classroom.

2. That Renee, though irresponsible at times, loved me too, and would miss me, though she had Phil and would get over it easier than Charlie would, if he did at all.

3. That I would be stuck like this, a ghost or whatever I was, and only Edward could see me.

This third fact presented me with a large problem. What would I do? Would I just follow Edward or venture about in this world, watching over Charlie until he died and then just following random people? I made my decision then. I would stay for Charlie to make sure he was okay and then go with the Cullens when they moved, because Edward was in this classroom also, presumed dead, so they would have to move.

I went over to Charlie, wishing I could pat his shoulder and comfort him, but of course I couldn't because I was transparent. I would have to figure out why I was the only one like this, seeing as there definitely wasn't anyone else like me.

I hung around until the fire was out and the firefighters discovered that the only remnants of what had happened here were ashes. Because then I couldn't watch the pain and tears rolling down Charlie's face as all hope for him was destroyed.

_So, what do you think? Good, bad, completely horrific? Please review, I'll try to get the next chapter up soon, but I'm going back to school on Tuesday, so it might be a few days._

_Signed,_

_V.H._


	3. Apathy

Chapter Three:

Apathy

The Cullens stayed for both mine and Edward's funerals, which were hosted on the same day as the rest of the class's. I hovered around with Charlie, now used to not being noticed by anyone. Because Edward was supposed to be dead, I hadn't seen him since he had killed me, and seeing as I didn't know where the Cullens' lived, I was relying on them coming to the funeral. I would have followed them before, but school had been cancelled do to the 'accident.'

They did, and also with the excuse that they would soon be moving because Esme couldn't bare being here in Forks any longer after Edward's untimely death. Of course, for the entire week before the funeral, Charlie had been in a near catatonic state of depression. He had nightmares and drank more than usual, and I watched him as he took anti-depressants that a doctor had prescribed for him. I felt awful after seeing him take these for the first time. The complete apathy that Charlie was experiencing was heartbreaking, and I was sure that Edward only felt worse.

During the funeral services, Charlie cried quietly in the back, not even bothering to rub the tears from his eyes because there was always a constant flow. I had never seen him cry before and tried to comfort him the best I could, even though he couldn't see or hear me. Renee and Phil were nearby, Renee crying into Phil's shoulder in grief. But Charlie had no one, and my heart ached as I watched him driving home afterwards, knowing I could not go with him because I had to follow the Cullens' home.

That car ride was…unpleasant to say the least. I rode in the back of one of their two cars with Esme and Carlisle in their black Mercedes. The entire ride was completely silent, and I chose to look out at the scenery flashing by at insane speeds rather than look at Carlisle and Esme's grave faces. I knew that they were disappointed in their "son's" control, though I couldn't really blame him. I just happened to have the worst luck in the world. Only me could come to a remote town full of vampires and happen to get attacked by one. I mean, seriously, what are the odds?

So when the car pulled up to a magnificent white house I gaped and watched as the Cullens' got out of their cars and walked up the front steps and into the house. I shook myself and glided behind them and into a beautiful living room. Several couches littered the room and the white carpet was spotless. The whole back wall was a very large window that looked out onto a small spring and the green woods. It was a wonderful sight. I didn't think that Forks could look so beautiful.

As I came back to, I noticed that everyone had gone upstairs. I decided to explore the house, and hopefully find Edward. I was craving for some interaction by now, after a week of nobody paying me any attention. All along the staircase there were pictures, some so old they were in black and white, some new and in color. There were multiple wedding pictures and lots of photos of the whole Cullen family. It felt refreshing to know that there was a family so close to each other. The house was three stories, and was as just as absolutely gorgeous on the inside as the outside portrayed, if not more so.

As I floated past numerous rooms, most with the door closed, I could hear the preparations the Cullens' were making to move. I felt a small amount of remorse for them that they would have to move again, but there was nothing I could do about that, so I let it pass. The last room I came to was at the far end of the house, and I could hear the steady sound of breathing, though there was no movement.

This was it. This had to be Edward's room. I steeled myself and passed through the wall.

_Sorry, the chapter wouldn't get any longer! I'll try to get another one up either tonight or tomorrow, but with school starting and the fact that my boyfriend and I are going to the mall tomorrow, it might not get up._

_Don't forget to review and check out my poll!_

_ANd does anybody know what outfit Bella wore to school on her first day? I can't find my copy of Twilight and I kind of need her clothes. Thanks._

_Signed,_

_V.H._


	4. Talk Among the Dead

_Okay, Chapter Four typed and ready much earlier than I thought it would be._

_**Amose**__brought up a good point in a review. The question was that since Bella is a ghost, wouldn't she pass through the car when it moved? Well, here's my answer to this, well prepared before now but forgotten when I was writing last chapter. Bella only rode in the car out of habit and to test if Carlisle and Esme could see her but just weren't saying anything at the funeral. And when the car moved, Bella just moved with it, if that makes sense._

_**READ THE ABOVE!!!! IT IS IMPORTANT!!!**_

Chapter Four:

Talk Among the Dead

And there was Edward, sitting in all his glory on a black leather couch. His room was very nice. One of the walls was entirely glass like the one downstairs and both the walls and the carpet were a plush gold color. A large piece of black fabric was covering one wall, and a large stereo was in an open box, ready to be loaded into a car. There were more boxes littering the floor marked with things such as 'CLOTHES' and 'CDS' in black sharpie on the top or side. The stereo box was the only one open—the rest were taped closed with packing tape. Edward was staring out the window-wall as I glided in and didn't look at me as I said hello.

I was starting to worry that I had been wrong in assuming Edward could see me. It would be just my luck that no one could see my transparent self. I mean, _I_ could see through my stomach, what were the odds that some one would see me. Edward's eyes were still reddish in color, though slightly darker than the last time I had seen him. I got the feeling that he hadn't drunk any more blood after he killed me. He was still wearing the same clothes as the day in Biology, though they didn't look the least bit dirty. Assuming that they didn't age (according to the pictures along the walls) then they wouldn't have problems with oils and such. I looked down at my see-through feet. I was wearing the outfit I had put on that morning one week ago. A simple pair of jeans hung around my hips and a modest white v-neck shirt showed my prominent collarbone but nothing else.My tennis shoes were still on my feet as well and my hair was still hanging down in its boring straightness. I was suddenly glad that I had dressed in these nice clothes. That way I had something nice to wear for all of the eternity that I was stuck as a ghost.

I sighed to myself and started to turn around. There was no use staying here if Edward couldn't see me. Then I heard a moan. "Just leave me alone," he grumbled so low and desperately that I almost didn't hear him.

I sped back towards him so that I was hovering directly in front of him. His miserable eyes looked me up and down, and then went back to the carpet. "Why must I be tortured so?" he murmured, and I stooped down to look him in the eye, suddenly overjoyed.

"Yes!" I shouted. "Someone can see me! I almost thought that when you had looked at me in the school that you were looking at something else. Do you know what a relief this is?" I asked.

He groaned again and looked away from me as he sat up. "Great, it talks too. Wonderful."

"Hey," I said, indignant, "I have a name, and don't call me 'it.'"

"Sure, _Bella_," he said, stressing my name as he got up to take down the black fabric covering one wall.

"Don't be snide with me," I threatened. "I've been _waiting_ for someone to finally notice me."

"You're just a figment of my imagination—that's why no one has seen you," he corrected as he gathered the fabric in his hands and stuffed it into the stereo box along with a few pieces of an acoustics system that were still behind it.

"I am not," I argued, angry now. I was just a here as he was! Okay, maybe a little less, but I still was here enough to be seen by him. "I'm here and real, thank you. I don't think you're imagination could make me in the exact form I was in before I died."

He winced, and I floated up so that our eyes were level as we stood—well, hovering in my case—facing each other. He let a frustrated sigh escape his lips. "This is pointless. I'm talking to a hallucination. That's a way to be put in the Asylum."

I started to protest that I was not a figment of his imagination when he walked through me. I gasped and doubled over, clutching my stomach. My whole body had shifted as he walked through me, creating a horrible disconcerting feeling as my body dissipated and then rematerialized back to where it had been before. The whole process was awful, and the pain centered in my abdomen. Great, _now_ I discover that someone walking through me causes me pain. The only pain I could feel by the way. It was strange; going through walls didn't bother me, so why did people walking through me hurt?

I whirled around to catch Edward as he taped up the last box and piled them up in his arms to take down. "You know, _that hurt,_" I hissed at him as I followed him down the three flights of stairs.

"I can walk through you, you can't feel pain," he said, loading a silver Volvo with his possessions.

"News Flash: Yes I can. When _people _go through me. Gosh, you're so insensitive," I sniffed, thoroughly annoyed now at his rudeness. Screw hanging around, I thought. If he was going to act like this then I'd leave. Then I remembered that he was the only one that could see me. "Damn," I muttered. "If you weren't the only one who could see me then I'd leave."

"Go ahead, be my guest."

I huffed and glared at him. He just ignored me and started walking into the house again to get the rest of his boxes. "Edward," I said. No response. "Edward, answer me. I know you can hear me."

"Unfortunately," he said.

"Why are you being so rude to me? I mean, you _killed me_. The least you could do is _speak_ to me."

"That's where we differ," he said to me. "I don't like talking to illusions."

"I am not an 'illusion.'" I yelled.

He didn't answer me and went about as if I was not following him. "Edward," I groaned. 'Edward!"

Again, no response.

"Fine," I huffed. "Ignore me. But eventually you'll realize that I'm not a hallucination and _will _talk to me, because we have more in common than just being dead. We're both _lonely_."

He didn't respond, though I saw him visibly flinch. This was going to be a long existence.

_Review!_


	5. Heart

_Oh my GOD! I could have died today in school. We got a new student, and guess what? Her name is __**ISABELLA**__! And she prefers to be called __**BELLA**__. And no, she hasn't read Twilight, or even heard of it for that matter. I seriously could have died. She even looks somewhat similar to how I've pictured Bella in my head, only this Bella had tanned skin._

Chapter Five:

Heart

Life moved on without me, I suppose. Edward was ignoring me now more than ever (and was also more morose than ever I'd seen him), and the Cullens moved to a small town in Maine. I think the only thing that I did learn for the next few months afterward was about the Cullens themselves.

I learned that what Edward did was a complete accident. The Cullens drank animal blood instead of human because they had a conscience, unlike many vampires throughout the world. It made me sad that I had tempted Edward so much in Biology. Alice, Jasper, and Edward all had powers of sorts, Alice could see the future, though it was not set in stone, Jasper could sense and manipulate emotions, and Edward could read minds. At first I was embarrassed that he had heard what I had thought about him that first day, but then I learned through Carlisle that Edward couldn't read my mind. I was relieved when I heard that, but it was also something to be sad about. Maybe if Edward could hear my thoughts then he would finally think that I wasn't just an illusion.

You're probably wondering how I learned this from Carlisle. Well, you see Carlisle keeps a journal of sorts in his private office. I found this out when I followed him into the usually closed off room. He had possibly hundreds of them on the shelves in that room, an entry for every day. The journals were engraved on the edges with the dates that it started and ended with. I guess Carlisle wanted a record of all the things that had happened to him and his family, even if they had a perfect memory. It was interesting. The entries started in the mid- to late-seventeenth century, around what I assumed to be the time that Carlisle was changed. I would have loved to read all of the journals, but I couldn't move solid objects, so I was stuck reading whatever he wrote that day in the most recent journal, and if by chance he left the window open or the wind from his quick movements turned the page, then I could read an entry on the revealed page. It was amazing some of the things that I found out.

Carlisle's thought process was like none I had every seen, read, or heard of. His thoughts were so detailed, he thought about _everything_ and _anything_. From the breeze rustling the leaves of the tree outside of his study window, to the possibility of other creatures roaming the world. I had gained a new perspective of the world through him, and I had a new-found respect for his efforts to help people. He was probably the most compassionate person that I had ever met in my short life, and I began to think of him as a father, though of course he could not see or hear me.

Jasper was quite the interesting person. He was quiet and withdrawn from the rest of the Cullens, and I had the feeling that the only thing that held him to this family and lifestyle was Alice. Without her, he would have been definitely much more morose. I also learned that he had served in the Civil War and it was during that event that he was changed. Beyond that, I knew nothing of his past. There were things he didn't like to talk about at all, and one of them was what happened to him before he met the Cullens. I was positive that Alice knew of those things, but I couldn't be sure.

That was another enigma, Alice. From what I picked up, Alice didn't even know about her human life. All of that was black to her. It was somewhat humorous, that the girl who knew almost everything didn't know about her own past. Alice was overly energetic, one of the few who could pass off her energy as just being a part of her personality, or else it would have been just plain annoying. I liked Alice a lot, and she was one of my favorite Cullens to hang around, besides Edward. I just loved bugging the hell out of him. I was sure that eventually, he would snap and finally speak to me.

Rosalie was…interesting, to say the least. She loved to mess around with cars, something that I had not been expecting from someone who seemed so vain. Okay, she was vain. I had seen her staring at herself in mirrors before, and I knew that she hated Edward for making them move again. I couldn't really blame her, I mean, he _did_ kill me, but it wasn't like he had done it on purpose. From what I could gather, Rosalie had been changed in the 1930's after an accident involving her fiancé and his friends. I knew nothing other than that. Of course, I had tried to ask Edward about all the uncertainties, but like normal, he never gave me answers. I had a feeling that he thought that if he didn't answer me, that I would go away. And as stalker-ish as it sounded, little did he know that I _would come back_. It was an interesting concept, but all together true.

And Emmett. Don't even get me started on him. He may have been over a foot taller than me, but behind the huge muscles, he was nothing more than a big teddy bear that was thoroughly upset each time Jasper beat him at a wrestling match. He was incredibly hilarious, and a complete idiot at times. He had been changed by Carlisle after Rosalie found him being mauled by a bear, which made me see why he liked to hunt bears more than any other animal.

And last was Esme. She was the motherly figure of the family. She also seemed to be the oldest, probably about twenty-five or twenty-six. As far as I knew, she had jumped off of a cliff for some reason, and then Carlisle changed her. No one seemed to like talking about why she was changed, just like with Rosalie. That was about the extent of what I knew about Esme.

Edward was the person I knew the littlest about; despite the fact the he was the only one that could see me. I didn't even know why he was changed. But that was because he never talked to anyone anymore, least of all to me. I knew that he could still see me, because he had looked at me before when I suddenly floated through a wall and out through the other. But as for speaking to me, he has been diligent about maintaining his silence. I'll crack him one day, but when that day will be, I have no idea.

I decided to go back up to Edward's room to try to get him to talk to me. It occurred to me then that I really needed to check in on Charlie to see how he was doing. It had been several months since my death. So, floating into Edward's room, I told him that I was going to go see if Charlie was doing okay. Like usual, he ignored me, but I did see his eyes glance at me curiously from his place on the black leather couch. Then he went back to listening to his music. I knew that seeing Charlie again just might break my heart, but it was something that I had to do.

_Review! Also, look at my profile. I have taken the winning story from my poll and I've written the first chapter! The story is called _Save Me From This Hell _and if you get a chance to read it, please do!_

_Signed,_

_V.H._


	6. Twisted Endings

_Author's Note:_

_So…I found this chapter, halfway written, on my computer. It occurs to me that most of the people who read this story probably have moved on, but I decided to finish it anyway. Tie up some loose ends. This isn't how this story was supposed to end, originally. I'm sure I had some sort of epically long series of chapters planned out, but it occurs to me now, looking back, that this is the way it had to be. I will probably start revising the first few chapters before this one, eventually, as I feel that I have grown as a writer (in the what, five years?) since this story was first published. However, please pardon any tense confusion and grammar issues in here – I haven't really read over it, and I have significantly changed my writing style since this writing this story, but I wanted to continue in the same format as before._

_I hope that this brings some closure to those of you still reading. It did for me._

Chapter Six:

Twisted Endings

It had taken me hardly any time at all to get across the country to see my father. It was shocking, really, how fast it was. Being a ghost had its perks.

Checking in on Charlie was something I had to do. I had to see my father one last time before I left. I had to do it with all my heart, I had to know, terrified of what might have happened to him after I died.

So why the hell couldn't I get past the front door?

I wanted to see him, but the part of me that was currently battling the part that wanted to see him was screaming for me to stop, turn back around, and go back to the Cullens. More importantly, to Edward. Even if he was acting like a self-absorbed jerk, he was the only company that I truly had now that I was dead.

But I had to do this. I had to check on Charlie.

I took a deep breath to fortify me for the sight that I would probably see once I entered my old home. But Charlie wasn't there. The house was completely void of human life and in disarray. Empty bottles were strewn on the hardwood floor and take-out boxes were on the coffee table in the living room. A layer of dust covered everything. With some horror, I discovered that long empty soda and beer cans had been left on the wood table while cold, so that the condensation had gathered around the base and left rings on the once-beautiful table.

If Charlie could see me and I wasn't inconveniently dead, I would have had a serious conversation with him about using coasters under his drinks. It was a petty thing to focus on, but it upset me nonetheless, as it was just another symbol of the turn that Charlie's life had taken.

Deciding that I didn't want to have to keep looking at the mess the downstairs made, I floated on up the stairs, but things up here didn't look much better. A thick layer of dust covered everything here as well, and some of the picture frames on the wall hung crooked. I moved into Charlie's room, the closest to the staircase. The door hung crooked on its hinges too, like Charlie had slammed it one too many times or had banged against it in fury with his fist.

Probably both, I realized with a pang of guilt. My death had really hit him hard, and even now, after so many months, it was still hard for him. The state of the house proved that.

I turned away from Charlie's room, not wanting to look at the unmade bed with its wrinkled sheets and the curtains that hung ripped and water-stained around the windows. It was my fault that Charlie was in such pain. Even if it was Edward that had killed me, it was me that had ultimately made the decision to come to Forks in the first place. If I hadn't come, I would still be alive and Charlie would not be in so much pain.

_But then you never would have met Edward,_ a small voice whispered in the back of my mind. I shook my head in an attempt to clear it. That didn't matter, Edward was ignoring me anyway so I might as well of not met him at all.

I turned out into the hall again, by passing the bathroom and moving on to the closed door at the end of the hall. I didn't remember leaving my door closed that day I left for school. Charlie must have closed the door, not able to stand looking at my room each day as he got ready and left for work.

I stood in front of the door, just looking at it. I wondered if Charlie had even bothered to go into my room since he had helped me to carry up my luggage. Probably not. Well, maybe to close the door to ease his pain.

I looked at the handle and reached for it, temporarily forgetting that I could no longer touch anything in the real world. My hand passed through the metal doorknob easily and rematerialized underneath it. A pang of emotion struck my chest, and cursing whatever power that had made me into this ghost/transparent being, I just passed on through the door, shaking off the feeling of annoyance that I felt at not being able to touch anything.

My room was…neat. It was weird, seeing the rest of the house in chaos while this room in the house remained untouched by the physical manifestations of Charlie's grief. Only a thick coat of dust over everything in the room marked the passing of so many months since my first day of school. My bed was made, the desk in order, the curtains untouched from where I had moved them aside to look out onto the rain soaked street that morning. Not even the hairbrush that I had tossed onto the middle of my bed had moved and a discarded shirt still lay on the floor in a crumpled heap. I went over to the bed, wishing I could toss myself onto it and relax on the soft mattress. The feeling of cushions and comfort was only a memory now; I couldn't feel those things anymore no matter how much I wanted too.

Anger spiked in my heart at the injustice of it all. While the rest of the world moved on and changed, I was the same, static and forever trapped in my little half-world where I could see and hear things but not be seen and heard by anyone. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right. But what in this world ever was? Was it right that Edward was cursed to be a vampire when he didn't want it? Was it right that I tempted his control and forced him into killing me? Was it right that Charlie had to suffer so for my own blunder in this world?

The answers to all these questions were so obvious. No, no, and no.

The anger fled to be replaced by loneliness. I laid back on the bed, pretending that I could feel the comfort that the pillows would have provided for any other person, pretending that I was, in fact, still alive. I wondered how my life would have played out, had Edward Cullen not killed me that first day of school.

I guess I would have become friends with those eager people I had met at school, like Jessica and Mike. I would have sat with them at lunch everyday and gone to class with them. I probably would have grown accustomed to the rainy weather eventually, maybe even come to enjoy it. Charlie might have been the parent that Renée never was, although I still loved her. Hell, maybe I would have even _met_ someone. The Cullens would have undoubtedly continued to mystify me, along with everyone in this tiny town, and Edward probably would have glared at me everyday in class as he, unbeknownst to me, was resisting the urge to drink my blood.

I moved away from the bed, unsatisfied with my attempt to attain the one thing that I needed most: consolation. I had wanted to see Charlie, but now I couldn't bear to stay long enough to lay my eyes upon him. I knew what I would see – brokenness, anger, loneliness, all things that I could do nothing to ease.

I don't bother staying in town long enough to see the empty vessel that I knew Charlie has become. I went back to the only place I felt like I belonged, which was with the Cullens. Edward may have been ignoring me with the stubbornness of a mule, but I had nowhere else to go.

When I got back to the secluded cabin that the Cullens had made their new home, panic shot through me. The cars were gone, the house empty for the first time since they had moved in, and I worried that my little distraction had given Edward the time to convince his family to leave. I shouldn't have felt so pained by the idea of them leaving here, leaving me, but the rejection hit me hard after the pain of seeing the remnants of Charlie's life.

I stayed still outside of the house, worried of what I might find inside, although I knew that staying here was not helping either. It was possible that everything was still there, and the family had gone somewhere together, all I had to do was go inside, but the fear of being truly alone paralyzed me.

I don't know how long I stood there, fear pulsing through me, but a rustling in the bushes beside me startled me so severely that I could have sworn my heart stopped beating, but I was quickly reminded of the fact that I no longer had one as a bear-like man rushed through me.

The pain of being displaced like this was less than it was before, when Edward had first walked through me, but it was still just as disconcerting. The whole family followed the trail Emmett had created in his wake, and I carefully moved out of their way to prevent further collisions. They were all joyful, Alice dancing around and smiling, tugging Jasper along behind her. Even he was smiling, a rare event. I couldn't help be let their jovial presence buoy my spirits, and the relief of not being left behind swept away many of the painful thoughts that had been plaguing me since my return to Forks.

I waited, watching as they all strode towards the house. I couldn't fathom where the many vehicles that they owned could have disappeared to, but that was unimportant now. All that mattered was that I was no longer alone. I looked for Edward, but he was no following Carlisle and Esme, and worry was just about to set in when he finally emerged from the dense forest, looking as troubled and reluctant as ever, but golden eyed. It was the first time I had seen him without the red tainting his orbs. He glanced as me, purposefully stepping around me, and continued toward the front door.

I trailed behind him, the happy sounds of the others leading the way. He didn't acknowledge my presence, not that I was surprised. He went directly to his room, bypassing the others in the living room, and lying down on his couch. The room as desolate, with a small pile of boxes in the corner, which he had never bothered to unpack. Only the couch and a small table with a radio and a lamp populated the large room.

I placed myself on the floor in front of the couch, curling up so that I held my knees against my chest. The tightness of the position was a poor imitation for the comforting motions I really needed after my visit home, but it was better than nothing.

Edward's eyes were closed, so he couldn't see me, but I knew that he was aware of me. I sighed, the long silence stretching until I couldn't bear being lost in my thoughts any longer. "I…I thought that you had left."

He doesn't answer, he doesn't even move, but I continued anyway. "I shouldn't have been so upset by the idea of you and your family leaving – I mean, they can't even see me, and you ignore me, but I have nowhere else to go. I can't stand the idea of people not knowing that I am here."

He still hadn't budged, but I was beyond caring if he paid any attention to me at this point. I just needed to talk now. I rubbed my arms and shifted position a little, wishing more than anything that I was still alive, that I could still _feel_.

"I went home, you know," I finally managed, "but of course I told you that before I left. It was…horrible. I felt…horrible. Responsible."

I saw his pale lavender eyelids flicker, just for an instant.

"The house was a mess. Just…everything. Everything except for my room, which Charlie just closed off. It was just too painful for him, I guess. It was painful for me, too." I could feel my throat closing, my eyes burned as if at any moment, I would start crying, but I knew that wasn't possible. "I couldn't even stay to see him, how pathetic is that? My own dad, and I couldn't stay to check on him." I choked, unable to force out anything else.

I stared at my feet, my chin resting on my knees, feeling like I was about to start sobbing uncontrollably. As if I would just lose control.

"It's not your fault."

His voice was shocking, it was the first time he had spoken to me since I had first followed him home. I glanced up to see him sitting on the edge of the couch and looking at me with the most sorrowful expression.

"I feel responsible. If I hadn't come to Forks in the first place – "

"You would still be alive," he said darkly, mouth set in a firm line.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I don't blame you, Edward."

He shook his head. "Obviously, or you wouldn't be here right now. I'm responsible, though."

"You couldn't help yourself."

"I should have tried harder. Alice saw a future that still had you and everyone else alive at the end of that class. I could have resisted."

I had nothing to say to that. There was nothing I could say in response that would counter that truth.

I sat, huddled there, for a long time, still on the verge of tears. I just kept thinking about what my life, and everyone else's, could have been like if Edward hadn't killed me, if I had never been assigned as his lab partner, if I had never been in that class, at that school, in that tiny town. The possibilities were endless, but I knew nothing could change the existence that I now faced.

"Edward," I began, "Maybe you could have resisted. I don't know. Maybe I could have done something. I don't know why I'm still here – maybe it is some form of cosmic irony that only you can see me. All I do know is that we are both here and we both hurt about what happened, and neither of us can do a thing to change it."

He looked as if he was going to say something, but instead he pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled forcefully. I released my hold on my legs and let them cross. I began to reach for his hand, which is resting on his leg only a short distance from my own, but then remembered that I couldn't touch him, or anyone else. I clasped my hands together tightly.

"I just need someone to talk to," I confessed, resisting the urge to attempt to touch him again. My voice breaking, I continued, "I am just so _lonely_. The last few months have been terrible; I don't even feel like a person anymore. I feel _empty_."

Edward slid to the floor beside me, back against the base of the couch, and glanced at my hands, reaching for them with one of his own, but it just slipped through mine, just as I knew it would. His brow furrowed as he brought his pale hand back to his lap.

"I wish so badly that I could go back and change things," he said, frustration coloring his velvet voice. "I hate this."

I nod, looking away from him and focusing on my mostly transparent legs. "Why couldn't you have talked to me before?"

He released a shaky breath, fingers drumming nervously on the floor. "I thought that if I ignored you, I could move on, that you would just go away and I could punish myself for what I did in peace. It didn't help that you told me that you didn't blame me." As an after thought, "I am still responsible, no matter what you say."

I just nod, choosing not to argue with him and knowing that he was right. "I know."

"Bella," he paused, and I realized that this was the first time he had said my name since the day of the funeral, when I had started following him. "I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. About everything."

I looked into his golden eyes, remorse dominating them. His searched my own, and I could tell he was waiting for something, although it didn't occur to me exactly what that was for a moment.

"I forgive you."


End file.
